Verbal Habits to improve Emotional Intelligence
There’s a lot of buzz these days around emotional intelligence, often referred to as “EQ.” In fact, the World Economic Forum has ranked emotional intelligence as one of the top-10 most important workplace skills.
If emotional intelligence sounds like an oxymoron to you, that’s understandable. We tend to think of our emotions and our intelligence as two separate things. But put them together as emotional intelligence, and it’s essentially a different way to be smart because it’s “the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically” according to the dictionary definition.
It’s easy to see why professional success today is so dependent on EQ. Emotional intelligence is directly related to resilience – our ability to engage with challenges, sustain performance, rebound quickly from adversity, and learn and grow from our experiences. When you’ve developed EQ, you can cope with stressful conditions and maintain a positive outlook, and are less likely to burn out.
Bill Murphy Jr. has a free e-book, Improving Emotional Intelligence 2021, where you can learn more about how to implement habits to improve your emotional intelligence.
Here are simple verbal habits that are designed to improve your emotional intelligence.
“One, two, three, four five …”
Did you ever realize the perfect thing to say to somebody -- only it's too late, because you already said something less effective?
One way to have it happen less often is not to rush into saying things before you have to. A short pause can be sufficient -- even just counting to five before replying.
In short, silence speaks volumes, and when you're not talking, you're most likely thinking or even listening. So the five-second pause can be a powerful tool.
"Thanks. I’ll check in tomorrow.”
This one comes from Warren Buffett, or at least is inspired by him. He once explained that the best advice he ever got was that you can always tell somebody to go to hell tomorrow.
You don't have to react right away, in other words.
Now, this doesn't have to be so confrontational. Maybe you're thinking about how to respond to a resident who emails you at 5pm to express frustration. Maybe it's a vendor who lets you know they disagree with your plan of action.
So? Wait an hour. Wait half a day or even until the next day if necessary. In short, wait however long you need in order to take control of your emotions, so that they can be a tool for you to use, not a challenge to overcome.
"?, ?, ?"
These three question marks are meant to remind you to ask three questions.
To be honest, three is just a number. You can ask two questions, you can ask ten. The point is to get yourself into the habit of asking questions, as opposed to simply spitting out whatever's on your mind.
Emotionally intelligent people understand that the more you can keep conversations focused on the other person, the better they'll feel about the discussion, and the more likely it is that you'll achieve your goals.
The easy shortcut is simply to ask more questions. The slightly more difficult one is to listen actively to the answers.
"Tell me more.”
We’re all human. And that means even when we try to be active listeners, sometimes we may miss something.
We may simply not understand what the other person really means or may not be focused enough to keep all of our attention on the conversation, as opposed to the hundreds of other things going on at the moment.
That's why "Tell me more" is such a great, all-purpose phrase. It indicates interest, and it invites the other person to continue talking. Moreover, it fills in the gaps for you. Even if the other person has already made his or her point, it invites them to make it again.
“It sounds like you’re saying…”
Often, the most effective things you can say in any conversation is exactly what the other person just said to you.
You don't necessarily need to agree with them 100 percent. Or even 10 percent for that matter. But starting with this phrase and then repeating back to them what you truly think you've heard them say has powerful emotional effects.
It means you're listening. It means they're being heard. It means you're both involved in a true conversation, rather than talking past each other or cursing at the tides.
“You might not know this but…”
In short, imagine that you want to give someone a compliment. That's a nice thing for you to do: "You did a great job on that tour" or "People know they can always trust you and count on you."
Now, imagine that you add a six-word phrase beforehand: "You might not know this but…"
That leaves people wondering what other people think of them. And when you start it out that way, you actually increase the effect of the compliment.
Would you rather pay someone a compliment that makes them feel good or one that makes them feel really good? Especially if the price is only six words?
Am I making sense?"
This is another super-powerful phrase, and you can use it in place of two others: "Do you understand?" or "Do you have any questions?"
Imagine I have to explain something complicated to you. At the end, I can ask three different things. What subtle message is contained in each phrasing?
First: "Do you have any questions?"
The default answer to this question is, "No, I don't have any questions." Thus, it requires a bit of bravery even to be the first to ask. Why do you want to create that hurdle for the other people in a conversation?
Second: "Do you understand?"
This is other-centered, of course, but it can put people on the defensive. The subtle message contained herein is that you've explained perfectly, perhaps we need to work on the other person's remedial understanding.
Finally: "Am I making sense?"
This is powerful in its humility. Here, we're shifting the presumption so that if there's been a breakdown in communication, it might be your fault (you haven't made sense) as opposed to the other person's (they just didn't understand). That makes it much easier for the other person to respond truthfully and completely.
You might have to overcome a bit of vanity--"I know I'm making sense. I've explained this to hundreds of people." But the point isn't to pump up your ego.
Absolutely nothing.
You know that old saying: "Don't just stand there. Do something!"
People with high emotional intelligence prefer the opposite: "Don't just do something. Stand there!"
Or its corollary: "Don't just say anything. Keep quiet!"
Saying nothing means you're not saying something you shouldn’t have said. It means you're giving yourself time to think before replying.
It also means, since people are naturally inclined to fill silences, that you're inviting others to say something--maybe something they haven't thought out as well as you might.
Like all these phrases, the exact words don't matter. What really does matter is training yourself to make the other people in your conversations feel listened to, valued, and important.
